you know i don't blog often, right? when i do, there's a high chance that i have unspoken thoughts, thoughts i don't think anyone would wanna hear or listen to. thoughts i would most of the time, scared to voice out, in which i rather keep to myself. this is one of those thoughts.
you know i caught myself mild dengue fever last week. i practically bragged about it on twitter. i've never felt that weak or shitty in my whole life. i still feel weak now, but not as much, alhamdulillah. i was in bed all the time since last week, and somehow with so many hours in bed, (minus the sleep) i've been thinking about a lot of things. i think about my problems, my family, my studies, my unfinished assignments, my potential boyfriend (i think about him a lot, maybe i'll talk about him later in a separate post) but mostly, i think about death. it's not what you're thinking. i don't think about death the way some other people might think about death; like suicide. i'm actually really grateful for the fact i never think about taking my own life but i feel like it's so rare for myself to think about death, in general, as much as i wanted to make myself think about it a lot for reflection, somehow i just cant bring myself to think about something so depressing.
but i find myself thinking about it now, at my most vulnerable state. at the state where i think i will never get better. i think about how death is inevitable and that i will face it whether i like it or not. i could actually die right now. right at this second, so painful and i just get really REALLY scared you have no idea. i would break down and cry just thinking about facing my own death day and how i wasnt ever ready for it, i've done so many bad things, im scared of God. it just gets overwhelming in my head, and i really really didn't like how i felt when i think about it. but i can't run from it, even now, the thought comes back. why did you think i had the urge to write about this? because i am thinking about death right now and i am shitless scared. is that depressing? i don't think it is. i don't know. people get depressed and then they think about dying, but im depressed because i think about dying. you know? i don't know, i hope im making sense.
i just wanna die good, God. amin.
Saturday, 17 November 2018
Thursday, 7 June 2018
blessing in disguise
hi guys i know i haven't been on here for a year and a half and im not even sorry because who in the world reads my blog, right? lol
so i have been wanting to write something in this for so long, trust me but everytime i do, i was caught up doing something else instead of logging into blogger. god i am so terrible at being consistent and committed.
so as you all can see from my title, 'blessing in disguise' i wanted to tell you a recent thing that's happened to me. maybe it's not that big of a deal for some people but it kinda is, to me.
let's start with a minor problem i had. so recently, basically just a few days ago, my iphone broke. it started off w the constant lagging and app crashing, and then all my photos in the camera roll was gone. nada. poof. gone all those memories and receipts damn. and then in the end, it died, RIP najwa's iphone. i was so sad, yall have no idea. i couldnt handle the fact that i dont have any interaction w people, especially that im living alone in this house, with no one to talk to. i feel like im going nuts. i actually AM going nuts right now hence why i am blogging this and as you all can see, im at the library for internet. hah. i feel so lonely i couldnt even bear it. usually if im living alone but there was internet connection, i would probably be okay but now, with no internet,, i am officially L O N E L Y lonely. you maybe think im exaggerating but imagine being in my place, at this house im currently renting in, with nothing but dust, no tv, no internet, no one to talk to, i basically have no entertainment or interaction. yep, pretty crazy guys. all i did was sleep, in order to escape boredom and loneliness. but get this, a few hours later after my phone died, i got the news that i got to stay in the hostel for my next 2 last semesters YAAAAAAYYYY (this is a big deal for me guys because its so. frickin. hard. to get a place in the hostel u basically have to fight for it by being active but i feel like i wasnt rly that active and i got in anyway so i was really grateful i sujud syukur ok lol) and then i was like, wow i feel like today was such and awful and shitty day for me, then comes the news so maybe this was the blessing in disguise that has been waiting for me. ok tu je pun mesti tak best kan looool ok next
recently, my dad got diagnosed with heart problems. i feel like a lot of people who followed me on socmed has known about this bcs i am a kepochi lmaoooo i tweet about it a lot, and then deleted the tweets bc i feel like i was annoying and was looking for pity from friends, which probably maybe i lowkey am, but idk it feels good to have and receive assurance from the people who actually care about you and in this case, my friends and followers. somehow hearing/reading sweet and nice tweets/replies and prayers from them kinda makes me feel okay again. at the time, i was feeling so down like i have lost hope to everything, i feel like i only have a few moments w my dad and i cant even use that precious time to be with him as i was in college. i wasnt close to him so at that time i was always replaying some rare scenes and good moments i actually had w my dad and weeped to sleep, every single day. i feel like i cant do shit and was worthless for being such a bad daughter. i wanted to call him and ask if hes okay but i was really awkward w him, i cant even do small talk w him on normal days let alone at this time. my mom usually calls me to tell hows my dad doing and usually by the end of the call she'll somehow tear up and told me how tired she was and it would make me cry and that's that. so yeah a lot of shit happened these past few months and these are only a few of them (i cant touch on some bc it's personal) but you know what's great? i feel like my bond w my family was strengthen these past few months, not that it wasnt before but i feel like it was stronger than before. especially w my dad, though at times he still throws tantrums and being all negative and sensitive and shit but i feel like he didnt put it all on us. mak said he cries to her at times, but when mak said "you have to be strong for the kids" and i feel like he did, at least hes trying. he quit smoking, i'd like to think it's for himself bc he regretted it but i also like to think that he's doing it for us. it made me happy.
what im trying to say here is that, most of the time i was always very skeptical of the good things thats happened to me and was always very sure that every time something really good happens to me, something really bad will follow suit. like every time i feel very happy, the next second, i was crying. but i always almost forgot that in every hardship, there is ease. i never take this powerful quote seriously. it doesnt mean that after the hardship, comes ease, sometimes it doesnt work like that all the time, but instead, it actually means that in the midst of all your hardship and the shit that you're going through, Allah seeps in some easiness to ease your way through it, let it be minor, or even major. there must be some ease in your hardship, there must be something good that's gonna happen afterwards or in the midst of anything you're going through and you gotta believe in that. "there is always a blessing in disguise" like my mom always say. i will never ever forget that line.
- naj
so i have been wanting to write something in this for so long, trust me but everytime i do, i was caught up doing something else instead of logging into blogger. god i am so terrible at being consistent and committed.
so as you all can see from my title, 'blessing in disguise' i wanted to tell you a recent thing that's happened to me. maybe it's not that big of a deal for some people but it kinda is, to me.
let's start with a minor problem i had. so recently, basically just a few days ago, my iphone broke. it started off w the constant lagging and app crashing, and then all my photos in the camera roll was gone. nada. poof. gone all those memories and receipts damn. and then in the end, it died, RIP najwa's iphone. i was so sad, yall have no idea. i couldnt handle the fact that i dont have any interaction w people, especially that im living alone in this house, with no one to talk to. i feel like im going nuts. i actually AM going nuts right now hence why i am blogging this and as you all can see, im at the library for internet. hah. i feel so lonely i couldnt even bear it. usually if im living alone but there was internet connection, i would probably be okay but now, with no internet,, i am officially L O N E L Y lonely. you maybe think im exaggerating but imagine being in my place, at this house im currently renting in, with nothing but dust, no tv, no internet, no one to talk to, i basically have no entertainment or interaction. yep, pretty crazy guys. all i did was sleep, in order to escape boredom and loneliness. but get this, a few hours later after my phone died, i got the news that i got to stay in the hostel for my next 2 last semesters YAAAAAAYYYY (this is a big deal for me guys because its so. frickin. hard. to get a place in the hostel u basically have to fight for it by being active but i feel like i wasnt rly that active and i got in anyway so i was really grateful i sujud syukur ok lol) and then i was like, wow i feel like today was such and awful and shitty day for me, then comes the news so maybe this was the blessing in disguise that has been waiting for me. ok tu je pun mesti tak best kan looool ok next
recently, my dad got diagnosed with heart problems. i feel like a lot of people who followed me on socmed has known about this bcs i am a kepochi lmaoooo i tweet about it a lot, and then deleted the tweets bc i feel like i was annoying and was looking for pity from friends, which probably maybe i lowkey am, but idk it feels good to have and receive assurance from the people who actually care about you and in this case, my friends and followers. somehow hearing/reading sweet and nice tweets/replies and prayers from them kinda makes me feel okay again. at the time, i was feeling so down like i have lost hope to everything, i feel like i only have a few moments w my dad and i cant even use that precious time to be with him as i was in college. i wasnt close to him so at that time i was always replaying some rare scenes and good moments i actually had w my dad and weeped to sleep, every single day. i feel like i cant do shit and was worthless for being such a bad daughter. i wanted to call him and ask if hes okay but i was really awkward w him, i cant even do small talk w him on normal days let alone at this time. my mom usually calls me to tell hows my dad doing and usually by the end of the call she'll somehow tear up and told me how tired she was and it would make me cry and that's that. so yeah a lot of shit happened these past few months and these are only a few of them (i cant touch on some bc it's personal) but you know what's great? i feel like my bond w my family was strengthen these past few months, not that it wasnt before but i feel like it was stronger than before. especially w my dad, though at times he still throws tantrums and being all negative and sensitive and shit but i feel like he didnt put it all on us. mak said he cries to her at times, but when mak said "you have to be strong for the kids" and i feel like he did, at least hes trying. he quit smoking, i'd like to think it's for himself bc he regretted it but i also like to think that he's doing it for us. it made me happy.
what im trying to say here is that, most of the time i was always very skeptical of the good things thats happened to me and was always very sure that every time something really good happens to me, something really bad will follow suit. like every time i feel very happy, the next second, i was crying. but i always almost forgot that in every hardship, there is ease. i never take this powerful quote seriously. it doesnt mean that after the hardship, comes ease, sometimes it doesnt work like that all the time, but instead, it actually means that in the midst of all your hardship and the shit that you're going through, Allah seeps in some easiness to ease your way through it, let it be minor, or even major. there must be some ease in your hardship, there must be something good that's gonna happen afterwards or in the midst of anything you're going through and you gotta believe in that. "there is always a blessing in disguise" like my mom always say. i will never ever forget that line.
- naj
Thursday, 16 February 2017
January Wrap-up - MOVIES AND TV SHOWS
Movies and TV shows I watched in January
Younger (TV series)
I started watching in late December. Binge watching it til season 3 which I think was a bad idea as it was my study week and I didn't get much studying because of it. And also because now, I have to wait for summer til the new season comes out ugh. But lemme say that Josh is SO FINEEE.
TeenWolf Season 6A
I finished season 6A and it's about goddamn time STYDIA happened. This season was so dark, totally not my favourite season because Stiles wasn't in most of the episodes but yknow, let's see 6B. Also I think that's why the season gets so dark and unhumourous (?). THERE WAS NO STILES. No Stiles = No humour = DARK DAYS.
A Series of Unfortunate Events (Netflix series)
It was SO good. Full of dark humour but SO SO GOOD. That is all I want to say.
Passengers - I went to watch it with my friends at the theatre. It was enjoyable but not like OMG ITS SO AMAZING YOU HAVE TO WATCH IT enjoyable. It's refreshing to see Jennifer Lawrence not being Katniss Everdeen lol. She's so pretty in it too I can't even. Chris Pratt was also fine as hell.
Sing - Also went to watch this at the cinema with my little sister, Najla. IT WAS SO GREAT. I was dancing to every song the whole damn time. Shimmying and clapping with my sister as if we are at the concert of Sing itself. We had a great time.
College Road Trip - SO FUNNY. Raven Symone was the star of the movie and it feels so good to see her on screen again with her sense of humour and all the crazy funny stuff. She's damn hilarious.
Forrest Gump - First time watching it because my dad has been raving about it to me non-stop I just had to. It was great but I think I was overhyped by my dad that I think it was just an okay watch? Idk but it's still good though. The special effects, the message, the inspirational quotes and the romance ohmygod. It's very VERY emotional.
The Princess Diaries 2 : The Royal Engagement - It's the other way around this time. Mom forced me to watch this. LOVED IT. I love Chris Pine and Anne Hathaway ohmygod.
Zootopia (rewatch) - because my little siblings wanted to. Still enjoyable eventhough I've watched it for like 83742894789 times alrdy. NICK AND JUDY IS STILL MY ALL TIME FAV OTP.
Inside Out (rewatch) - same reason as the above but still made me cry like baby during the ending
All the HP movies (rewatch) - because it was marathon HP time on HBO and I force my mom to watch it with me - SHE ENJOYED EM YASS
Mockingjay Part 2 (rewatch) - Because I want my mom to watch it. Basically forced her to do so.
Unfriended (rewatch) - Also because I want my mom to see it.
Into the Woods (rewatch): Just because I want to.
Descendants (rewatch): I miss it and just because I want to.
Younger (TV series)
I started watching in late December. Binge watching it til season 3 which I think was a bad idea as it was my study week and I didn't get much studying because of it. And also because now, I have to wait for summer til the new season comes out ugh. But lemme say that Josh is SO FINEEE.
TeenWolf Season 6A
I finished season 6A and it's about goddamn time STYDIA happened. This season was so dark, totally not my favourite season because Stiles wasn't in most of the episodes but yknow, let's see 6B. Also I think that's why the season gets so dark and unhumourous (?). THERE WAS NO STILES. No Stiles = No humour = DARK DAYS.
A Series of Unfortunate Events (Netflix series)
It was SO good. Full of dark humour but SO SO GOOD. That is all I want to say.
Passengers - I went to watch it with my friends at the theatre. It was enjoyable but not like OMG ITS SO AMAZING YOU HAVE TO WATCH IT enjoyable. It's refreshing to see Jennifer Lawrence not being Katniss Everdeen lol. She's so pretty in it too I can't even. Chris Pratt was also fine as hell.
Sing - Also went to watch this at the cinema with my little sister, Najla. IT WAS SO GREAT. I was dancing to every song the whole damn time. Shimmying and clapping with my sister as if we are at the concert of Sing itself. We had a great time.
College Road Trip - SO FUNNY. Raven Symone was the star of the movie and it feels so good to see her on screen again with her sense of humour and all the crazy funny stuff. She's damn hilarious.
Forrest Gump - First time watching it because my dad has been raving about it to me non-stop I just had to. It was great but I think I was overhyped by my dad that I think it was just an okay watch? Idk but it's still good though. The special effects, the message, the inspirational quotes and the romance ohmygod. It's very VERY emotional.
The Princess Diaries 2 : The Royal Engagement - It's the other way around this time. Mom forced me to watch this. LOVED IT. I love Chris Pine and Anne Hathaway ohmygod.
Zootopia (rewatch) - because my little siblings wanted to. Still enjoyable eventhough I've watched it for like 83742894789 times alrdy. NICK AND JUDY IS STILL MY ALL TIME FAV OTP.
Inside Out (rewatch) - same reason as the above but still made me cry like baby during the ending
All the HP movies (rewatch) - because it was marathon HP time on HBO and I force my mom to watch it with me - SHE ENJOYED EM YASS
Mockingjay Part 2 (rewatch) - Because I want my mom to watch it. Basically forced her to do so.
Unfriended (rewatch) - Also because I want my mom to see it.
Into the Woods (rewatch): Just because I want to.
Descendants (rewatch): I miss it and just because I want to.
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