blessing in disguise

hi guys i know i haven't been on here for a year and a half and im not even sorry because who in the world reads my blog, right? lol

so i have been wanting to write something in this for so long, trust me but everytime i do, i was caught up doing something else instead of logging into blogger. god i am so terrible at being consistent and committed.

so as you all can see from my title, 'blessing in disguise' i wanted to tell you a recent thing that's happened to me. maybe it's not that big of a deal for some people but it kinda is, to me.

let's start with a minor problem i had. so recently, basically just a few days ago, my iphone broke. it started off w the constant lagging and app crashing, and then all my photos in the camera roll was gone. nada. poof. gone all those memories and receipts damn. and then in the end, it died, RIP najwa's iphone. i was so sad, yall have no idea. i couldnt handle the fact that i dont have any interaction w people, especially that im living alone in this house, with no one to talk to. i feel like im going nuts. i actually AM going nuts right now hence why i am blogging this and as you all can see, im at the library for internet. hah. i feel so lonely i couldnt even bear it. usually if im living alone but there was internet connection, i would probably be okay but now, with no internet,, i am officially L O N E L Y lonely. you maybe think im exaggerating but imagine being in my place, at this house im currently renting in, with nothing but dust, no tv, no internet, no one to talk to, i basically have no entertainment or interaction. yep, pretty crazy guys. all i did was sleep, in order to escape boredom and loneliness. but get this, a few hours later after my phone died, i got the news that i got to stay in the hostel for my next 2 last semesters YAAAAAAYYYY (this is a big deal for me guys because its so. frickin. hard. to get a place in the hostel u basically have to fight for it by being active but i feel like i wasnt rly that active and i got in anyway so i was really grateful i sujud syukur ok lol) and then i was like, wow i feel like today was such and awful and shitty day for me, then comes the news so maybe this was the blessing in disguise that has been waiting for me. ok tu je pun mesti tak best kan looool ok next

recently, my dad got diagnosed with heart problems. i feel like a lot of people who followed me on socmed has known about this bcs i am a kepochi lmaoooo i tweet about it a lot, and then deleted the tweets bc i feel like i was annoying and was looking for pity from friends, which probably maybe i lowkey am, but idk it feels good to have and receive assurance from the people who actually care about you and in this case, my friends and followers. somehow hearing/reading sweet and nice tweets/replies and prayers from them kinda makes me feel okay again. at the time, i was feeling so down like i have lost hope to everything, i feel like i only have a few moments w my dad and i cant even use that precious time to be with him as i was in college. i wasnt close to him so at that time i was always replaying some rare scenes and good moments i actually had w my dad and weeped to sleep, every single day. i feel like i cant do shit and was worthless for being such a bad daughter. i wanted to call him and ask if hes okay but i was really awkward w him, i cant even do small talk w him on normal days let alone at this time. my mom usually calls me to tell hows my dad doing and usually by the end of the call she'll somehow tear up and told me how tired she was and it would make me cry and that's that. so yeah a lot of shit happened these past few months and these are only a few of them (i cant touch on some bc it's personal) but you know what's great? i feel like my bond w my family was strengthen these past few months, not that it wasnt before but i feel like it was stronger than before. especially w my dad, though at times he still throws tantrums and being all negative and sensitive and shit but i feel like he didnt put it all on us. mak said he cries to her at times, but when mak said "you have to be strong for the kids" and i feel like he did, at least hes trying. he quit smoking, i'd like to think it's for himself bc he regretted it but i also like to think that he's doing it for us. it made me happy.

what im trying to say here is that, most of the time i was always very skeptical of the good things thats happened to me and was always very sure that every time something really good happens to me, something really bad will follow suit. like every time i feel very happy, the next second, i was crying. but i always almost forgot that in every hardship, there is ease. i never take this powerful quote seriously. it doesnt mean that after the hardship, comes ease, sometimes it doesnt work like that all the time, but instead, it actually means that in the midst of all your hardship and the shit that you're going through, Allah seeps in some easiness to ease your way through it, let it be minor, or even major. there must be some ease in your hardship, there must be something good that's gonna happen afterwards or in the midst of anything you're going through and you gotta believe in that. "there is always a blessing in disguise" like my mom always say. i will never ever forget that line.

- naj