on death

you know i don't blog often, right? when i do, there's a high chance that i have unspoken thoughts, thoughts i don't think anyone would wanna hear or listen to. thoughts i would most of the time, scared to voice out, in which i rather keep to myself. this is one of those thoughts.

you know i caught myself mild dengue fever last week. i practically bragged about it on twitter. i've never felt that weak or shitty in my whole life. i still feel weak now, but not as much, alhamdulillah. i was in bed all the time since last week, and somehow with so many hours in bed, (minus the sleep) i've been thinking about a lot of things. i think about my problems, my family, my studies, my unfinished assignments, my potential boyfriend (i think about him a lot, maybe i'll talk about him later in a separate post) but mostly, i think about death. it's not what you're thinking. i don't think about death the way  some other people might think about death; like suicide. i'm actually really grateful for the fact i never think about taking my own life but i feel like it's so rare for myself to think about death, in general, as much as i wanted to make myself think about it a lot for reflection, somehow i just cant bring myself to think about something so depressing.

but i find myself thinking about it now, at my most vulnerable state. at the state where i think i will never get better. i think about how death is inevitable and that i will face it whether i like it or not. i could actually die right now. right at this second, so painful and i just get really REALLY scared you have no idea. i would break down and cry just thinking about facing my own death day and how i wasnt ever ready for it, i've done so many bad things, im scared of God. it just gets overwhelming in my head, and i really really didn't like how i felt when i think about it. but i can't run from it, even now, the thought comes back. why did you think i had the urge to write about this? because i am thinking about death right now and i am shitless scared. is that depressing? i don't think it is. i don't know. people get depressed and then they think about dying, but im depressed because i think about dying. you know? i don't know, i hope im making sense.

i just wanna die good, God. amin.