It was raining. I look out the window, thoughts flying in my mind. Played with my pen, flipping it 90 degrees, til 360 degrees.
Plop, it falls down. I sighed.
I pick it up, Allahuakbar, I sighed.
More crazy thoughts pouring in. Bad ones. It's making me go insane. I keep chanting to myself, "Husnu dzon, husnu dzon, husnu dzon."
It was almost maghrib, yet I'm still wandering with my thoughts.
Do people think I'm annoying? Am I a burden to them? Am I not good enough for them? What did I ever do to them for them to ignore me like that? What's wrong with me that people don't like me? What do they think of me? Do they talk about me behind my back all this while? Why do they never care about me while I always cared about them? Maybe they think I'm annoying for caring too much about them. For bothering them. Their lives.
UGH. I exclaimed with frustration.
I felt the urge to get my phone so I did. Swiping the lock unlock, I scrolled my menu and press the whatsapp icon on the screen.
I sighed loudly.
Almost everytime I texted in the group my text was ignored. And when another people came in and ask the same question as mine, a reply came out of the blue almost instantly. This is not the first time, it's been a lot of times I faced this kind of embarrassment.
I was speechless. And breathless. People hate me. People think I'm annoying, I just knew it. Then a side of me was chanting, "Husnu dzon, Husnu dzon, Husnu dzon."
Tears were threatening to fall. Soon, I felt warm liquid down my cold cheeks. No, you can't cry. You're strong and you know it. Husnu dzon please, husnu dzon. Think positive.
More thoughts coming in, just like more tears were falling down my chubby cheeks. What did I do wrong? Is it because something I say? What did I say? Ugh I wish I could read minds sometimes.
I shook the thought away. I have to do something. I think I just need to shut up. Yeah that's it.
And so from that day onwards, I try to restrain myself from whatsapping and just try to see what people are doing inside whatsapp without me having to text and spam them all the time.
Turns out the group became more active without me in there. I guess shutting up is the way to go. But something deep down inside of me hurts.
I finally realized. They never really cared of my existence all along. Even if they do, I'm like a small tiny pebble that people tend to accidentally kick and not care about it when they're walking down the pavement. Yeah that pretty much sums me up.
I cried once more but this time it's worse. The other side of me suddenly came and whispered, "Husnu dzon. Remember."
"Go away conscience."
"You can't make me go away even if you wanted to."
"Hey sweetie. How are you?" the sound of my mom's soft voice was heard. I spun around, searching for that voice I longed to hear. "I'm over here." mom giggled. The surrounding was white, it was like nowhere. And I saw a pretty figure, young and fair.
She giggled and spread out her arms for me. I, without wasting any time, ran and ran until I fell into her warm embrace. Tears stream down hard. "Mak I missed you so much. College has been nothing but prison. Everyone hates me, mak. I just wanna go home." I sniffed.
Mom tighten her embrace and soothes her palms on my hair "Akak, it's time for you to discover a new world. It's time for you to go out of the house. Maybe it'll be hard at first but soon it'll all be alright. And.... When you think someone hates you, think of the countless number of people who loves you for who you are. We're always here for you and we will always love you."
My tears streamed harder. "I love you too Mak. Don't ever leave me alone." I sobbed on her lap.
"You're never alone, kak. Allah ada. It's time for you to go sweetie. Remember, husnu dzon with people." she let me out of her warm embrace and I also let her go reluctantly. My face was indescribably blank. She waved and spun around, walking to the other side. I waved back, the tears never seem to stop pouring. She fades into thin air and poof, gone.
I startled and realized I've been dreaming. My cheeks were damp because of excessive tears.
I pushed my duvet, got up and took wudhu' and prayed.
"Ya Allah, grant me strength and patience. Ya Allah, vanish every bad thoughts that I think of people and vanish every bad thoughts people think of me. Amin."