Dilemma

My mom gave this to my whatsapp after I told her my dilemma problem. And I got all emotional. Lol

To go or not to go?
Ugh this is just so frustrating.

That is basically me these few couple of weeks. Okay here it goes. As you all know, I am taking STAM right now, and then at the same time, I got matrikulasi in science. And yada yada yada you know what happens next.

MAJOR DILEMMA.

The reason I took STAM in the first place is that I want to continue studying azhariah because I've been doing that for like 5 years now. And it seems like it's a waste if you didn't continue to study the thing. On the first day of school my ustaz made me promise (well i think so) to continue with STAM no matter what. And I said yes, I'll try my best. Then all the teachers started to think that our decisions are undecidable( okay is that even a word? ) coz she said from the past years, a lot of STAM students tend to move out from STAM and continue our studies elsewhere when the SPM results came out. And in fact, she was TRUE. Right after the SPM results were out, all of us started to question ourselves whether to continue STAM or not. Including me.

I applied for matrikulasi and alhamdulillah I got in. What's more important is that I got in science stream. I always wanted to pursue in Math and all so I got excited. I suddenly feel like going to matrik. But at the same time, I want to continue STAM as well. So I got into a major dilemma in choosing STAM or matrik. And up until now I haven't got the decision on which one to choose.

I decided to ask my parents and all they say was, "It's your choice, akak. You know what's best for you." Almost everyone wanted me to go to matrik and just pursue my dream to be a mathematician or a math professor but then this other side of me felt slightly offended by those words people say to me. I don't know why but the other side of me still wants to continue STAM. And when people said that I should stop what I'm doing right now which is taking STAM and continue to pursue my dream , going to matrik, I just feel like wanting to punch them in the face and say "What's wrong with taking STAM? Is it a crime now?" okay maybe not the last part.

I think to myself. STAM is wayyy important in our lives coz it offers us ilmu ukhrawi but if I want to go for my dream, I should be taking matrik. But then again, I DON'T KNOW MAYNNN!!! THIS IS SO DAMN COMPLICATED. Ugh.

I spent sleepless nights thinking about it. But nothing came into me. I don't know it'll be this hard to choose. I mean, all this while all I think about is school, school and school. I didn't even take the time to think about my future. And now choosing the future is a big problem. Ugh.

So, now I think I'm going to do istikharah. It's the only way to find the perfect answer. So wish me luck guys. Pray for me. Make doa for me, I'll make one for you :)


Jannah is our forever and final destination insyaALLAH~