Eff-ed up week

Hi guys.

The title explains it all I guess. It has been one eff-ed up of a stressful week for me. There are just so many things coming in my way and I don't think I can catch up. Everything just annoyed the hell out of me. I don't even know why. Or maybe I'm just nearing my time of month.

I felt the need to let it all out in paper, or in this case on screen. Here goes.

At the early of the week I have been busy prepping for the bank rakyat camp. I was offered a sponsorship by YBR and it was compulsory for everyone who got offered to go on this business camp of some sort idk. Yes, you read that right, 'was'. I was excited and already starting to have high hopes that I wouldn't have to be worried about not eating anymore. I will have enough money by then.

And then I got a phone call from an unknown number. I picked it up. "Hello?" "Ye hello, kami dari Yayasan Bank Rakyat. Ini Cik Najwa Nazifah?" the deep voice from the other side spoke. "Ye saya." "Saya nak confirmkan bahawa result sem 1 cik adalah di bawah 2.5 ye?" I gulped, afraid where this will lead to. I nod, but realized he can't see and clears my throat, "Ye." "Ok cik, dukacita kami maklumkan bahawa kami pihak bank rakyat mempunyai hak untuk menarik balik permohonan cik jika cik mendapat pointer 2.5 ke bawah." I swear my throat was dry and my eyes went watery at that second. "Mmm-hmm." I hum, not knowing what else to say. "So, cik tak perlu pergi lah ke kem di A'Famosa tersebut." "Oh. Okay. Ni permanently ditolak ke?" "Ye, cik boleh tengok dalam booklet terma syarat akta....." I can't focus on what he's saying anymore. "Hm okay." "Okay terima kasih," Beep. Hangs up. I shut my phone and without realizing, tears started trickling down my cheeks. I was sobbing soon after. Every negative thoughts came to me. What did I do wrong? Every inch of my hope come tumbling down.

I wiped my tears away and called my mom. Twice. She didn't pick up. I was in desperate need of comfort so I dialed Pah's number. She picked up. I heard her sweet soft voice and I started crying again. "Pah....." "Hello ye sape ni?" "Ni...." *hiccups* "...akak." *hiccups* And I can't speak anymore. I cried so hard into the phone Pah started to panic, "Akak, tenang dulu tarik nafas.." I composed myself by taking a deep breath and finally tell the whole thing too Pah. I talked to Pah for almost an hour and it felt really good letting it out to someone. Mom called me after, I broke down again for the 3rd time that day. 

That night, it was my math test. I couldn't do it. I cried again.

Later that week, the assignments had been piled up like a mountain. I did some, and was tired so I slept. And there's TITAS, We shoot the video, edit it til 3 am. Slept late, woke up late. Skipped class.

Then one kakak approached me, probably trying to pull me into one of her usrah groups. Again. And later that week after she approached me, turns out I was right. She wants be to be part of her usrah. Told you. I've been in this situation for so many times I'm starting to get annoyed. I've been in 3 usrah groups and that's just too much for me already. She whatsapped me tons of time. I replied with one word. I'm too tired of all this stuff already. This made me sound like I'm a bad guy. But seriously though. You'll get it if you're in my shoe.

To make matters worse, I also got trapped inside an elevator this week. Twice. The first time I was with a couple of people. The second time I was alone. I didn't panicked. Hah who are we kidding, of course I panicked! I use my bare hands to push both of the doors of the elevator. It wont budge. I pressed all the buttons there are. Nothing happened. Again, I use my strength to push them apart. It opened. It freaking opened! Thank God.

I have shit tons of things on my mind I tend to forget things easily. Simple things like, doing the laundry, brushing my teeth and etc, let alone major things like money I should bank in to someone. Til they already put a RM1 interest on me for each day late of payment. Is that even legal? Idk. I have so many things I need to think that I tried to make that problem as small as possible. I begged for pity, yes begged, for her to understand. I am going through so much things right now. Please understand. But she doesn't. I thought she trusted me. She doesn't.

I'm annoyed. Annoyed by all this. Annoyed by myself. For being so naive, so kind, so stupid, so forgetful, so - idek know anymore. I'm annoyed at other people who are annoyed at other people. It's complicated. My life is complicated.

Mom keeps telling me to see things positively. She keeps telling me to not stop dreaming, to not stop praying. Keep doing your ibadah sunat. Miracles can happen. Allah can make miracles happen. And so I did. Because I believed in her and I believed that miracles do happen if you believed in Allah.

-naj